Long Lost Annoyance
by Vampira of Stalking
Summary: The Birdcage-Producers crossover. Max and Albert haven't seen each other in twenty years...and Max was hoping to keep it that way. When he goes down to Miami for the holidays, how ridiculous will the trip become? Please R&R!


_Hey y'all! So I finally got this up! I'm happy about that. Anyway, I few notes. First, I have placed this in the same year that the Producers took place. Last, there is a reference to Danke Schoen, even though it didn't exist at this point in time._

_**I do not own the Producers...Damn!**  
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The Letter

**Max's Point of View:**

I knew I had a brother. The title was a bit misleading. I put blame on the author. **Just then, a vodka bottle sitting on Max's liquor cabinet fell to the ground and shattered.**

"Hey! No touching the vodka!" I screamed. Huh. I angered the author. I didn't want _that_ to happen again. Vodka was precious and did not deserve to break. Anyway, I knew I had a brother. Oh yea, Albert and I went far back. I just never expected him to find my address after twenty years.

T H E P R O D U C E R S

There was too much snow. _Way_ too much snow. I gazed through the glass doors of my shared office. A thick, white blanket covered the streets and sidewalks of New York. Children danced in it, catching snowflakes on their tongues. The parents laughed as they chased after their kids. Why was snow so cherished? Why was it such a good thing? It made travel so much more difficult, and no one could get anywhere without getting flakes inside his coat. For example, me. I was covered in the substance, and it stung my skin. I crouched near the dying fire, hoping I would be able to get rid of the snowflakes coating me. I fed it a log and jumped away from the sparks. Immediately, bigger flames emerged from the fireplace. I felt the warmth go straight to my bones and melt the snow. Still, I felt cold. I dragged my chair over by the fireplace and decided to open my mail while warming up. The chair groaned as I sat down. "Shut up!" I yelled at the inanimate object.

There was a large stack of letters, for I had not tended to my mail in a long time. I noted, as I opened, that most of them were ads or taxes or bills. I threw those in the fire without hesitation. After a few minutes of this procedure, I came across a letter that was unlike the others. It was handwritten, the words done in a very curly kind of script. I suspected that it was a woman who had written it. My suspicions were proved wrong, however, upon reading it.

_Dear Maxy,_

_How are you? I can't believe that we haven't seen each other in at least twenty years. How I managed to find your address was a stroke of pure luck! I'm very glad that I'd paid attention to all the goings-on around Broadway. Never in my years would I have expected for you to go into the producing business. Oh, and congratulations on your success with __Springtime for Hitler__!_

I paused and wondered how old this letter really was. And who had written it. I shook my head and continued.

_Anyway, I was hoping you'd be able to come down for the holidays. I thought it would be nice to get together again after so long, and the holidays would be a perfect time to do it! I know you have a partner—Leo, if I'm not mistaken?—and he is free to come as well. Also, anyone you might be friends with can come, too. Please call me when you get this letter. Just so you know, my address and phone number are written on the back of this piece of paper._

_Love,_

_Your Brother,_

_Albert_

I moaned as I read the name. Albert had found me? After all the years of trying to stay away from him? Damn it. I flipped the letter over and skimmed the phone and address. He lived in Miami? Wow. Out of all the places for my twin to live, he chose Miami? I would've never expected that from him. I mean, growing up, he'd always been a very…tough person. Miami was sort of a contradiction to his persona. But then again, I had not seen him in twenty years.

Then it hit me. If I visited him down in Florida for the holidays—I glanced out the glass door again—I would be able to escape the cold! Suddenly, seeing Albert sounded appealing. I just needed to okay it with Leo…

As if on cue, Leo stumbled through the office's front door. "Hey, Max," he muttered as he hung up his coat. He'd been somewhat depressed ever since Ulla had divorced him. Once Ulla became successful and famous, she felt no need to be married to a producer. She was a smart, cunning woman, in my opinion…but what she had done to Leo just made me want to punch her. I guess that his sadness was contagious. Every time I saw him frown like that, I became upset as well. A certain mixture of pity and sympathy. I approached Leo cautiously, careful not to cause him to go hysterical again.

"Hi, Leo. How are you?" I chose my words with care.

"Fine, I guess. Good as I'll ever be," he mumbled blankly. I knew it was a lie. I knew Leo was miserable.

"Well, okay. Guess what?" I asked, trying to get to the important subject.

"What, Max?" Leo replied, feigning interest as best he could. I frowned. The mixture of pity and sympathy came back.

"I just got a letter from my brother. He-"

Leo's interest became genuine. "_You_ have a brother?"

"Yeah. A twin."

"Oh."

"Anyway, he invited us down for the holidays. I'm not quite sure what religion he celebrates…but it should be fun. He lives in Miami," I explained.

"Wow, Max! That sounds great!" Leo said. He smiled. I instantly smiled too, for that smile of his just lit up the world. It was so much better than the frown. It was like the sun coming out, melting all the damned snow. It was just…great. "But wait," his voice broke the silence, "are you sure it's okay for me to go?"

"Here, read the letter," I said casually, tossing him the paper from my desk. There was quiet throughout the room while Leo read the letter. As soon as he finished, he looked up and asked,

"It says any of your friends, too. Should we invite-"

"NO!" I hollered, cutting him off.

"But, Max, they helped us with _Springtime._ Shouldn't we repay with a vacation? Besides, Franz won't be able to go."

"Why?" I demanded.

"He's in Germany, visiting his relatives. I wouldn't want him to go, either. But Carmen and Roger I think I could stand." I started to pace the room in anger. After a few minutes, I stopped.

"I guess it couldn't kill us. Who knows? They might get along with Albert!" I responded sarcastically.

"Great!" Leo shouted, not picking up on the sarcasm. "Shouldn't we go ask them now?"

"Why?" I groaned, looking at him with pleading eyes.

"Because Christmas is in two weeks! We're going to need to arrange travel plans!" Leo explained. Unfortunately, everything was logical and made utter sense.

"Fine! Make sure you bring your blanket," I warned, grabbing my coat of the hooks.

"Oh, I never forget it," he answered, pointing at the breast pocket on his shirt. As always, the corner of the pale blue blanket stuck out from the top. I grumbled and waited for Leo to don his coat.

T H E P R O D U C E R S

"Damn this snow!" I yelled as Leo and I stomped through the powder. The falling had increased in speed and amount. It was almost impossible to see the next block!

"It's not that bad! I mean—Oof!" He was cut off by a gust of wind knocking him over backwards.

"Not that bad, huh?" I said, bending over to lend him a hand.

"Okay, you're right. It's that bad," Leo agreed. His back was covered in snowflakes. I chuckled at him before returning to attempt walking in the snow. Finally, after fifteen minutes of trudging, we came upon the Upper-East Side townhouse. The outside of it looked perfectly normal. It was just another brown building, blending in with the rest. It was hard to guess that on the inside there were pink walls, lip-shaped pillows, and naked statues. Yet it was also hard to guess that Roger DeBris was a complete drag queen…unless if one knew him, like I unfortunately did.

I refused to ring the doorbell, so Leo wound up pressing his finger against the cold metal that would open the doors to our doom. I shuddered as "I Feel Pretty" started to play. The door unlatched. I ducked behind Leo. Leo laughed. I wondered why he was so confident, for I remembered when we first met Roger and Carmen. He had been scared out of his wits! If he had any back then…

Finally, the door opened. "Ye- Oh hello Leo! Hello Max! It's always a pleasure to have you here. Please come in," Carmen said, moving away from the door to let us in. He was, as always, a complete fag. The black turtleneck and pants, the way he held his Italian chains. I had a sudden urge to go and attempt to strangle him again. Of course, Roger was no better. He _was _the one that dressed up like the Chrysler Build- I meant Princess Anastasia.

"Oh Roger," Carmen cried, "We're not alone!" Leo and I exchanged nervous glances, hoping that Roger wouldn't be in a dress this time. Carmen disappeared going up the staircase, leaving his hand in sight for a few seconds before disappearing altogether. Déjà vu. Weird.

"Do they do this every time?" I whispered out of the corner of my mouth. I stood stiffly, partially scared to move. I thought that the apartment might be rigged…and I would be sent to the area where Roger's production crew lived. _New thought, new thought…_

"I guess," Leo muttered in reply. I snapped out of my thoughts when I saw him reaching for his blanket. I smirked. He _was_ afraid.

"There goes your confidence…" I trailed off, still smirking.

"Thanks, Max," Leo mumbled, rubbing the blanket against his forehead, "that helps a lot." Even though it was sarcasm, I realized that I didn't want him to go hysterical on me again. I mean, I had _just_ gotten him out of his depression. He could revert back in a blink.

"Sorry, Leo. Are you alright? Or are you-"

"I'm fine. I'm not going to breakdown. Yet, at least," he deadpanned. I frowned. He was depressed again.

"Don't worry about it," I assured him, "I've got your back. Cheer up, Leo!" With that I gave him a friendly pat on the back, which immediately spooked him.

"AH! Max!" Leo yelled in his on-the-verge-of-hysteria whimper.

"Sorry! Jeez…" I said, turning my attention to the staircase. Carmen had finally returned, Roger in tow. Thankfully, he wasn't in a dress. But he acted just as gaily.

"Ah! Good day, Max!" Roger greeted me. "Hello, Leo…" he said to my business partner, adding a flirtatious edge. I shot him a warning glare, trying to convey that Leo was going through a lot right now. He noticed and took a few steps backwards.

"Hey Roger," Leo and I said nonchalantly.

"What brings you here on this fine afternoon?"

"You call this fine?" I raved, "It's snowing out there!"

"Oh Max, lighten up! Snow is a wonderful thing!" Unfortunately, he started singing. "_I'm dreaming of a white Christmas."_

Carmen joined in. _"Just like the ones I used to know!"_

"Stop it! Oy!" I shouted above the cacophony. Roger's singing was good…just not at _White Christmas._

"Please!" Leo begged, also disliking the music. "Besides, we have an important question." Carmen and Roger immediately stopped and turned towards us, gazing at us intently. Leo and I exchanged nervous glances again. _Are you sure you want to invite them?_ I tried to convey through my thoughts.

_Yes!_

_Damn it…_

"Anyway," I started, shuffling my feet, "My brother, Albert, invited us down for the holidays. We," I used my hand to show that I meant Leo and me, "were wondering if you and Carmen would like to join us."

"Ooo! That sounds delightful!" Roger exclaimed.

"It certainly does!" Carmen added.

"He lives in Miami," I quickly said.

"So there wouldn't be any snow?" Roger asked, looking a little glum. I smiled mentally. If I played my cards right, they would not want to come along.

"No, there wouldn't be. It would be very hot out, like summer here."

"Summer, you say?" Carmen asked incredously. He turned to Roger and both started whispering to each other. Finally, they turned back.

"We'll be happy to accompany you," Roger stated. _Fuck!_ I screamed in my head. Leo smirked. I glared. He whimpered. _Great…_ I leaned over and patted him on the back.

Carmen spoke up, "Yes, it would be a lovely opportunity to try out some of our new summer outfits. We won't mind the lack of snow!" Something told me not to ask them why they had bought new summer clothing.

After a few more minutes of hearing Carmen and Roger blather on, I excused myself and Leo. We left swiftly, treating the heavy snowfall as a refuge. We trudged in silence for a few minutes, before I realized that Leo was singing.

"_Danke schoen, darling, danke shoen…" _he sang in a whisper. It was oddly melodic, and very soothing.

"Where'd you hear that from?" I asked, startling him.

"Oh! I, uh, heard Franz singing it one day… It was sort of the one thing that he did that didn't freak me out," Leo explained. I started laughing, thus getting him to join in.

"Franz is really messed up…" I muttered.

"Agreed," Leo stated. With that, I patted him on the back once more. "Keep singin' kid," I said,

"Keep singing."


End file.
